Thoughts on a blah morning...

Well, the elephant was apparently much larger than the last. I have been pretty much slow going since Tuesday. I think maybe I procrastinated about going to get these injections and am now paying the price for that. What, me procrastinate, you say? This is one time that it does not pay for sure!
The plan was to get up early today to work and I could not get my body off of the couch. Couldn't at 5......7 didn't look much better. By 8 I had declared it a mistrial. By 9 I was prioritizing what absolutely had to be done today and who would need to be seen before tomorrow. All notes are due by 8am, so if I need to ruin one night of sleep, it will be Thursday night. I'm going to shoot for going in at noon to take care of business. I have three new intakes and then a lively family session scheduled at 5:30. I can do this. I hope so.
But right now, after I have been sitting here typing away my eyes are already crossing and my back is throbbing. Pain is just so hard to push aside and work through. I don't know how people live with it all the time. I can't seem to do it without bitching and complaining to the world.
I had a thought about another friend that I talked to last night that found out that some words had been shared to a coworker that should not have been. We have these lovely group staffings every Wednesday. It is my favorite time of the week, as you can imagine, because I don't get paid for that two hours. It is helpful of course and as professionals, it is to be a confidential time that we can seek support and help from our peers. We have now had a situation where something that was said in staffing was told to someone and of course, misinterpreted. I cannot wait to make my comments about this next week in staffing. We are grownups. We are not in junior high. If we have comments or disagreements, we should have the ability to keep our mouths shut or approach that person with our concerns....it's called assertive communication. I don't like having to work with people that you feel you have to be guarded with every word that comes out of your mouth. If I did that, heaven knows I would be in trouble...right????
So, there's my lecture series for the day. I will get back to getting notes written and getting this elephant off of my back. Think of me.....and if you want an elephant I know where you can get one.

It's Hell Growing Old...

Tomorrow I will go once again to see Dr. Jones, my orthopedic surgeon/specialist for another set of facet injections into my lower spine for spinal stenosis. It used to be called "creeping paralysis" in the old days and people just thought people had it until they died. Not anymore, thank goodness! These steroid injections last for almost six months and then it is time for them again. I think the best way to describe them is to try to imagine having an elephant stand on your back for a few minutes, after you've been given a bit of valium so you don't care.

Steve goes with me, of course, and always loves to sit in the hallway and hear what private things I tell Dr. Jones and the nursing staff about...oh no, you can't even imagine! There are no secrets kept there! I think I even am shameless to tell Dr. Jones that I think he looked hot when he had his ponytail - oh well, at least, he laughs. I'm sure he's heard a little of everything with women under valium.

I will try not to complain. It could be worse. I'm just not big and brave like I would like to be. I could feel my tension rising today like an old enemy that you keep at bay but you know it is always there...just waiting.

When that starts, I find myself borrowing worries for everyone that I love...Rachel needs to come home from California before she is exposed to swine flu, another friend needs to have a baby because she would be SUCH a great mom and so WHY are so many girls at my school getting pregnant that don't want them????, and then there's the worry for a friend that had an argument with her fiance this morning and cried on the way to work and I've never seen this friend cry....she even had to stop at Target to get makeup to cover the mascara lines, and then I worry about my Dad who at 83 is still working at Walmart full time and is he happy with how his life has gone, I worry about my mother recently diagnosed with diabetes....how will she ever have self control to follow the diet and take care of herself when she is by herself so much of the time and I know she is not happy wherever she is and there is not much I can do about that, and I worry about so many of my clients that I try to help with their lives and some of them I help and some I don't seem to help at all and now summer is approaching and I will lose touch with so many. And there are the worries that I can't even put into writing in this blog because they are so private it would hurt the people I worry about.

I will be so glad when this procedure is over with....I don't do well with anxiety as you can tell.



It will be good to be able to walk again without pain though, so I will be brave and say hello to the elephant when he steps onto my back.

Private Practice 101

Well, no, this is not an update on the television series...it is a commentary on how confusing my life is right now. Surprised? You really shouldn't be. It always seems that "stuff" comes in a series piled on top of a lot of other "stuff" that usually falls on days that are too short and filled with delays that are unforeseen and filled with unexpected "stuff"....anyway, you get the picture.
Three years ago when I decided to retire from teaching, I was told by a college instructor/supervisor (who shall not be named in this post) that as a Licensed Associate Counselor, I would be a "perfect fit" to go into a practice with a friend who had an established practice and was a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC - the thing I am finally now). I jumped in, bought an outdoor sign to go with hers, had business cards made, letterhead made, bought my laptop, etc. She gave me the names and addresses for the 60+ insurance companies that she was set up with as a provider. I wrote to them to request being added to their list. As the summer progressed I began getting my denial letters from them....all 60+ of them until I had gotten them all. LAC's it seems could not EVER be added and be able to file insurance for clients. Basically that means that folks would have to just pay cash or go find another therapist down the road that their insurance worked with. You can imagine my feelings. I had one client all summer. That did not cover my rent and utilities that I was sharing with my friend.
By the end of the summer I knew that I would have to do something differently. I had to have 3000 client contact hours in order to become an LPC and at the rate that I had just gone through over the summer, I would be about 102 years old by the time I completed that!!! That's how I ended up doing contract work for the company (that shall remain nameless here) that I work for at this time.
Fortunately, public school work is what I know. Especially school work in Fort Smith. I was assigned one of the high schools here and soon fell in love with the job....but not some parts of it. I never dreamed that the Medicaid paperwork was so gruesome and time consuming. I spend as much time outside of therapy typing up my reports and notes to turn in as I do in actual counseling sessions. Some people have found a way to do it during the day, but even when I try to start doing that the interruptions always get in the way. Someone shows up at my door with a "got to see you now" or they call from the office needing me or there is something else that pulls me away. But the work is something I LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! And I feel that I'm really getting better at it all the time. There are always one or two that you know that it just isn't working and those you have to find help for them somewhere else, but it is such a good feeling when things work.
Now that I have my LPC, I have made the decision to try my hand at my own office. I have found a location for a part time office space for now, have gotten a phone line installed (have the phone with answering machine in the trunk of my car), have gotten an ad in the upcoming yellow pages in the new phone book and that is about all.
I wish there were a guide book that says "here are the steps for you to follow." There are so many unknowns and everyone seems to do it a different way, so when you talk to one person you hear one thing and then another person tells you something different.
I think I need to catch up on my paperwork so I can think clearly. Maybe when I'm on that plane to New Hampshire in a few weeks, up over the earth with nothing but clouds between me and the ground, I will feel the inspiration for what I need to do with myself and be able to start moving on forward. Right now I'm stuck. Couldn't be that I'm simply exhausted.
More later on that private practice. Maybe I should tell the people I contract with about it soon.

Things you may not know and some you do...

What are your middle names?
Easy for me...Dianne (first name is Marsha..hold the applause and Brady Bunch jokes)
Steve is Steven James.

How long have you been together?
In July we will be married for 17 years. Started dating in Feb. before that.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We worked together at the same school, so I'm not really sure...over a year I think.

Who asked whom out?
Another easy one. I asked him to come over for dinner. I tease him that I'd still be waiting on him but he says he was working up the nerve....

How old are each of you?
I'm 52 and Steve is 55 (staying alive) He's officially a senior citizen now. haha

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Mine...just my oldest brother and sister-in-law mostly. Steve's all live in Illinois and don't make it this way often.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
It used to be raising children, but now that is pretty much a done deal...I guess it comes to questions about planning retirement, finances, our parents getting older, and who is going to cook tonight?

Did you go to the same school?
Steve went to high school in Peoria, Illinois and I went to high school at a private school in Forrest City, AR.

Who is smarter?
We both do things the other one can't. And we have learned pretty much what to turn over to the other person. I'm the speller, the photographer, the creative one and the computer person generally. Steve is the fix-it, patient plumber, electrician, shop til you drop to find a bargain, read all of the directions first, file it so you can find it next time guy.

Who is the most sensitive?
Both probably. I cry easier, but Steve is very sensitive, so it's a toss up. But, I cry at the national anthem, sweet babies, when other people cry, when I say goodbye to my kids (who are grown), at weddings, funerals, holiday events....you name it.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Hard to say....we get take out from several places....but to go out to eat and sit down....maybe Fridays.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Las Vegas

Who has the worst temper?
Steve has none. I have a quick one. Short fuse and I get over it equally fast.

Who does the cooking?
That is about even...during the week, Steve usually does more and on the weekend, I try to cook more. Honestly, I think he enjoys it more.

Who is the neat-freak?
Steve. I'm a bit obsessive about some things, but in general he is the neat one.

Who is more stubborn?
Okay, now I know everyone is thinking this is a hands down DIANNE one here, but let me tell you that when Mr. Baer makes up his mind about something, there is not much that can turn the tide.

Who hogs the bed?
Steve...I usually end up in the morning clutching the edge hanging on for my life.

Who wakes up earlier?
I'm not a morning person, but since I've been passing out so early, I've been getting up early to work on paperwork. Like 4:30. ugh.

Where was your first date?
My apartment for dinner and a movie.

Who is more jealous?
Me. Steve is clueless.

Who eats more?
Definitely Steve. Where does the man put it all?

Who is better with the computer?
Definitely me. I spend all day on it and then come home and spend hours on it too. He is new to the computer but has recently become quite the web searcher.

Who drives when you are together?
Generally speaking you will see me driving because I get carsick so easily.

And that's about all of it!

Thank Goodness for Spring

This morning it is once again overcast and promises once again to be a rainy weekend, and I'm covered up in paperwork that I'm putting off. (is anyone getting sick and tired of reading about that???) Steve was working outside early today and I finally went outside to see what he'd been up to. Since I'm on the fritz with the stenosis thing again and can't really work in my flower beds right now with all of the bending, lifting,k squatting, etc. I just hadn't been out much. Wow....I had forgotten how the work from years past has been paying off. It's just too bad that dogwoods and azaleas don't stay in bloom all summer long. They are worth a million dollars. I took a few photos and just had to post them because it really our yard at it's best even though the grass doesn't look so good yet.

This is our dogwood that is a combo pink and white that they spun together years ago and it looks like one tree now. We used to have two of them, but one died last year from the heat.

This one is my favorite azalea...looks like a lily.

My view as I'm leaving the house each morning.

Found a new setting on my camera for closeups of flowers...I think this is a good one!

My FAVORITE flower on the planet...daisies.

Thoughts on a Tuesday instead of Paperwork

Yeah, I know I should be doing paperwork. So what else is knew? Me, procrastinate? Ha...and you thought that by getting my LPC that I would suddenly become motivated to get my paperwork done on a daily basis? Not so, apparently. You see what I'm doing at 10:30 at night. And yes, I will be up again in the morning at 5am for the third morning in a row to work on paper work.
I've not been sleeping when I should lately and then sleeping constantly when I shouldn't. I really began this fatigue thing last summer and counted it as "mother of the bride" syndrome. But as the summer progressed I went in to see my family physician, told him my symptoms and he ran every test under the sun. They even ran one of those sleep apnea studies where I had to wear a monitor one night to record my breathing pattern. Nothing showed up. Then, last night I had this weird, bizarre dream from an old friend that reminded me I haven't had a mammogram in a long time, even though I've gone for my annual checkups and pap smears and all. It was strange for sure. If you know me at all, you know about my crazy dreams. So I called today and scheduled one for Thursday, which I know will be fine....but still. It's better not to push it when you start having weird dreams!
Another thought today was that I am glad to be a mom today. Some days I don't feel like I am really there for my kids like I want to be, but today I felt like I was. It's hard to juggle that distance between allowing them the distance to grow up yet letting them know you are there to catch them no matter what happens. I don't think they can ever know what it feels like to love another human being so much until they have a child....but it is beyond belief that so much of your every day life centers around thinking about them even after they are grown and away from home. A friend recently shared a quote with me that said a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. That is so true. When their heart breaks, ours does too. When they laugh, we can laugh. When they are worried, we worry with them. When they succeed just a little, we convince them it was more than that. I think that is why a quiet house is so hard for parents to get used to after their children grow up and leave for college....everyone always kept talking about how excited they were about their kids leaving and all, but all that I felt was sadness because I really LIKED my kids. I still don't get it, I guess. I still cry when Rachel leaves and she's been gone for several years now. But then, sometimes I still cry when Greg or Mary Beth leave for their homes which are within an hour's drive away. Oh well, just count on me for an easy crying jag.

But not for paperwork.

Things to know

I officially have my letter about my LPC now. I have my number, God bless it. Now I have to move forward. Slowly. I can't believe it. I'm sure no one else can either after hearing about it for three years.
It is important to remember why we do the things that we do. Some things we do for purely selfish reasons....we want to make money, we want to get ahead, we want something or need something, we want someone to like us or think highly of us...and so on. Sometimes we do things for unselfish reasons like giving without expecting anything in return, accepting someone unconditionally, thinking without speaking an opinion, doing things anonymously and then I think there are those other things we do. .......
the things we do for love. Recently I have been thinking about things I have done for love that cannot be explained by any other reason on earth. Yes, they usually involve my children, but sometimes other family members or friends. And I really don't think that those things have to be explained to anyone on the face of the earth. I think that things that are done out of love are the purest and best that we have to offer to someone else....no matter what form it comes in. The best the other person can do is to show love back to us by accepting us and our gift of love to them, and us with all of our good, bad and ugly that often comes with us. Because it does. But they will never forget our love. And it just feels so good to love.

Moving right along and it scares me to death!

As of today, I can mark these things off of my checklist:

• office space rented for private practice
• phone line and Internet set up and ready to go
• yellow pages advertising listing prepared to go in the new telephone book that comes out in June. And, in case you are not in the advertising business and are not aware of it...it is EXPENSIVE!!!
• the state board has every piece of paperwork to document my upgraded license, as well as my shoe size, my documentation of how often I brush my teeth and floss, and an extended spreadsheet of my future plan for cleaning out the clutter from every closet in my house over the next 3 months. I know that seems irrelevant, but I think they needed it! Now the waiting begins.
• I made it through yet another staffing where we were given yet another list of additional paperwork that we will have to start doing. It is getting beyond ridiculous. I got a few jabs in and it felt good.
• I cut branches of lilacs to put in a vase for the table. I had forgotten how much I love that scent. One of my favorites.

Things are moving along. The plans are in place. It really could happen. Kinda scary but wonderful all at the same time.

Oh yeah...now I have to get some clients!

Things I Love...

Yes, here they are. The things that I begin my list of things I love the most. I just want to squeeze all three of them. What happened to them and where did they go? It just seems like yesterday that I was busy at Easter time shopping for socks and shoes, new Easter outfits (if my mom or I didn't make them) and of course all of the ingredients for those Easter baskets.
Yes, they were precious. Others things I love this time of the year:

• The gorgeous spring flowers and azaleas blooming everywhere. My yard has a dogwood that they twisted a pink and a white dogwood together years ago so they are blended as one tree....cool. You can never have too many azaleas in your yard. Steve used to complain about so many flower beds. Mr. Neumier, the local nursery owner told me to ask him if he was still mowing grass and if he was then that means there is still room for flowers. Actually, he doesn't complain....just teases me a lot.
• People seem to be in a general better mood when the weather is nicer outside. In general.
• It is good to be able to start making plans for vacations or long weekends, cooking out, doing anything outdoors after being cooped up all winter long.
• Fresh strawberries. Yum. You can do anything to them and I will eat them.
• Riding in my car with the convertible top down. If you know me, you know if it is not raining and the temperature goes over 65, then the top goes down. I really don't care what my hair looks like. It's funny because Steve worries more about his hair in the car than I do! I can be in a bad mood and ride in that car with the top down, music blaring and just soon begin to feel better!
• High school kids are getting ready to graduate as well as college kids are graduating. They get so fired up about this passage in their life with so much hope ahead of them. Sometimes I think I would like to go back and have a chance to start over as well....but then again, maybe not.
• And finally....I'm just sick and tired of winter. Remind me of this again when it is 105 in August.
  

I'm a Klutz and More Moving...

If you could see this photo closer, you would have sympathy for my klutzy maneuver that produced the swollen, bruised knee caps this afternoon. I was helping move a limb outside off of a deck, turned around and failed to see a log laying there and did a graceful (not!) pirouette landing on both knees!! OUCH!!! Whoa boy! The friends we were with were great and brought out the ice and ibuprofen, so I recovered and made it through the rest of the day, but I think the old girl will be sore tomorrow. So thankful for a desk job! It is no wonder my girls fall into these kind of spills all of the time...it just seems to happen. It's pretty funny now that I look back on it.
We had a busy weekend helping my brother and his wife, Hounie and Glo, move out of their house they have lived in for 15 years. Two weeks ago we were helping Connie move out of her duplex into her house. I think we are just moving fools and love to do it. It's just what people do for other people when you can because it is a job that everyone hates to do and it can be overwhelming. I nearly burned their house down by having a box sitting on the stove that accidently got turned on. That would have changed the entire scheme of packing for sure!!!
Moving is such an emotional thing for all of us. I remember when I moved out of the blue house when I divorced Bill. That was such a tough time for me anyway and I had poured so much of myself into that house and brought home two babies to it as well. Connie kept reminding me that "It is just a house." You are the house...you can plant again, you can decorate again. You really can make memories again. Even though right at that moment and on that day and days after for a while it doesn't seem like it. I thought I would never get over that blue house, but I did. And sure enough, I planted more flowers and took more pictures and made new memories that helped to replace the old ones...or at least scoot beside them.
Thank goodness we have people to walk beside us when we do these moving things, to help us laugh and cry and remind us that all of us move. In different ways, but we all move.