Yeah, I know I should be doing paperwork. So what else is knew? Me, procrastinate? Ha...and you thought that by getting my LPC that I would suddenly become motivated to get my paperwork done on a daily basis? Not so, apparently. You see what I'm doing at 10:30 at night. And yes, I will be up again in the morning at 5am for the third morning in a row to work on paper work.
I've not been sleeping when I should lately and then sleeping constantly when I shouldn't. I really began this fatigue thing last summer and counted it as "mother of the bride" syndrome. But as the summer progressed I went in to see my family physician, told him my symptoms and he ran every test under the sun. They even ran one of those sleep apnea studies where I had to wear a monitor one night to record my breathing pattern. Nothing showed up. Then, last night I had this weird, bizarre dream from an old friend that reminded me I haven't had a mammogram in a long time, even though I've gone for my annual checkups and pap smears and all. It was strange for sure. If you know me at all, you know about my crazy dreams. So I called today and scheduled one for Thursday, which I know will be fine....but still. It's better not to push it when you start having weird dreams!
Another thought today was that I am glad to be a mom today. Some days I don't feel like I am really there for my kids like I want to be, but today I felt like I was. It's hard to juggle that distance between allowing them the distance to grow up yet letting them know you are there to catch them no matter what happens. I don't think they can ever know what it feels like to love another human being so much until they have a child....but it is beyond belief that so much of your every day life centers around thinking about them even after they are grown and away from home. A friend recently shared a quote with me that said a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. That is so true. When their heart breaks, ours does too. When they laugh, we can laugh. When they are worried, we worry with them. When they succeed just a little, we convince them it was more than that. I think that is why a quiet house is so hard for parents to get used to after their children grow up and leave for college....everyone always kept talking about how excited they were about their kids leaving and all, but all that I felt was sadness because I really LIKED my kids. I still don't get it, I guess. I still cry when Rachel leaves and she's been gone for several years now. But then, sometimes I still cry when Greg or Mary Beth leave for their homes which are within an hour's drive away. Oh well, just count on me for an easy crying jag.
But not for paperwork.
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